On Conference Loyalty

I wrote the following brief little diatribe last year and never got around to cleaning it up and posting it anywhere.  It's my gut reaction to the concept of "conference loyalty" that many of my fellow football followers espouse.  It seems appropriate to post it today, so here it is in its first-draft glory. 


"I don't care about so-called "conference loyalty."  I spend all season hating the other 11 teams Georgia has to face.  The last thing I want is for one of them to have the Ultimate Bragging Rights of a national title to, you know, brag about all spring and summer.  Unless the title game is against, like, USC or Notre Dame, I'm going for whoever can shut the likes of LSU, Alabama, Florida, and yes, even Auburn up.  Cheering for an SEC team that isn't yours in the title game tells me you aren't putting enough energy into year-round loyalty to your own team.  Remember what that one guy said - no man can serve two masters.  Unfortunately you can't count on the bums out there in the Big Ten, Big 12, or Pac 10 to come through."


That being said, as an SEC team that isn't Georgia happens to be playing in the Championship Game this time against Notre Dame - a team I delight in rooting against more than pretty much any other team - I have no choice but to say, "Roll Tide."  This time.

Translations for the Hip Hop Impaired, Vol. 1 - Regulate

I have come to realize that some of you aren't as "hip" and "down" as a fella like myself, and hip hop music goes right over your heads.  Well, never fear.  I'm here to help.  I now present the first installment of Translations for the Hip Hop Impaired - a free service I provide to help you become more comfortable with the music that all the kids are listening to.  You're welcome.

Nate Dogg and Warren G: Regulators

"Regulate," by Warren G (feat. Nate Dogg)

Movie clip

Regulators

Go watch Young Guns.

We regulate any stealing of his property

It’s good.

And we damn good too

So is the sequel.

But you cant be any geek off the street,

Probably Emilio Estevez' best work since The Breakfast Club.

Gotta be handy with the steel if you know what I mean, earn your keep!

But enough about that.

Regulators! Mount up!

Let’s begin the tale.

Warren G:

It was a clear black night, a clear white moon

It all started on a very pretty night.

Warren G was on the streets, trying to consume

I had made my way downtown,

Some skirts for the eve, so I can get some funk

Looking for women who might want to have sex.

Just rollin' in my ride, chillin' all alone

As it happens, I was driving without any of my usual entourage.

Nate Dogg:

Just hit the eastside of the L-B-C

That same night I drove over to east Long Beach County,

On a mission trying to find Mr. Warren G.

Hoping I’d run into my friend Warren, who is known to frequent the area.

Seen a car full of girls ain't no need to tweak

I saw several attractive women in a car, but I didn’t get overly excited and run over to them.

All you skirts know whats up with 2-1-3

You see, women everywhere throw themselves at men from my neighborhood.  I can probably pick them up later.

Warren G:

So I hooks a left on the 2-1 and Lewis

So I turned down a street near my destination,

Some brothas shootin' dice so I said "Let's do this"

And what should I find but an impromptu, unsanctioned game of Craps.  I couldn’t resist…

I jumped out the ride, and said "What's up?"

I parked my car and politely asked the gentlemen if I could join their game,

Some brothas pulled some gats so I said "I'm stuck."

But, to my surprise, they aimed pistols at me.  What rotten luck.

Nate Dogg:

Since these girls peepin me I'm'a glide and swerve

I could tell the ladies in the other car were interested, so I decided to put on a bit of a show of my driving skill.

These hookers lookin' so hard they straight hit the curb

Unfortunately, my antics caused them to have a minor accident.

Won't cha think of better things than some horny tricks

Just as I was considering coming to their aid...

I see my homey and some suckers all in his mix

I noticed my friend Warren in a spot of trouble with some local criminals.

Warren G:

I'm gettin' jacked, I'm breakin' myself

I was being robbed and humiliated.

I can't believe they taking Warren's wealth

I never thought the day would come when my hard-earned possessions would be stolen by common thugs.

They took my rings, they took my Rolex

They removed my jewelry and designer watch.

I looked at the brotha said "Damn, what's next?"

I asked the lead robber if there was more he wanted to take from me, fearful of his answer.

Nate Dogg:

They got my homey hemmed up and they all around

Warren was in a tight spot, surrounded by criminals.

Ain't none of them seeing if they going straight pound for pound

It was clear they were not interested in fighting fair.

They wanna come up real quick, before they start to clown

I decided to intervene before they hurt Warren severely.

I best pull out my strap and lay them busters down

I realized the best solution to the problem was to murder them with my concealed pistol.  I thought that should do the trick.

Warren G:

They got guns to my head

As they threatened me with their pistols,

I think I'm going down

I began to contemplate my life and impending demise.

I can't believe this happenin' in my own town

I thought I was safe in the city I grew up in, but alas…

If I had wings I would fly

I might have a chance to escape my fate if I could somehow fly away.

Let me contemplate

Funny what your mind conjures up when you’re in peril.

I glanced in the cut and I see my homey Nate

Suddenly, I caught a glimpse of my friend Nate just behind my attackers.

Nate Dogg:

Sixteen in the clip and one in the hole

My pistol had seventeen bullets loaded and ready for action.

Nate Dogg is about to make some bodies turn cold

I was resolute in my intention to kill these delinquents.

Now they droppin' and yellin'

As I shot at them, they began to fall down and beg for their lives,

It's a tad bit late

But I was having none of that.

Nate Dogg and Warren G had to regulate

Warren and I would accept nothing less than their deaths.

I laid all them busters down

I shot each and every one of the criminals.

I let my gat explode

Each gunshot resonated loudly, reminiscent of a bomb going off.

Now I'm switchin' my mind back into freak mode

When the violence was over, my thoughts returned to the ladies from before.

If you want skirts sit back and observe

I asked Warren if he was interested in finding dates,

I just left a gang of hoes over there on the curb

Explaining that I had seen some potentially willing partners just minutes before, and only a few yards away.

Warren G:

Now Nate got the freaks

Nathan sure has a way with women.

And that's a known fact

He’s a local legend in that regard.

Before I got jacked I was on the same track

I told him that, as a matter of fact, I had intended to find a female companion before I got into the recent predicament.

Back up back up cause its on

And so we approached the ladies in tandem,

N-A-T-E and me - the Warren to the G

Best friends forever.

Nate Dogg:

Just like I thought

As I suspected,

They were in the same spot

The women were where I had seen them last,

In need of some desperate help

Still having car trouble.

The Nate Dogg and the G-Child

Meanwhile, Warren and I

Were in need of somethin' else

Were horny.

One of them dames was sexy as hell

One woman in particular caught my attention.

I said "Oooh I like your size."

I told her I thought her figure was quite attractive.

She said "My car's broke down and you seem real nice,

She asked me, since she couldn’t drive and I was non-threatening to her,

Would ya let me ride?"

if I wouldn’t mind transporting her in my car.

I got a car full of girls and it's goin' real swell 

Wouldn’t you know?  All the women joined us in the car.

The next stop is the Eastside Motel

We happily made our way to a disreputable establishment for some sex.

Warren G:

I'm tweaking

I really enjoy

Into a whole new era 

The way my life has turned out since I became a rapper.

G-Funk

Our particular niche in rap?

Step to this

Well, say what you want,

I dare ya

But I think it is the best.

Funk

Funk was a fantastic form of music,

On a whole new level

And our interpretation improves on that concept.

Nate Dogg:

The rhythm is the bass and the bass is the treble

I have lost my damn mind.

Warren G:

Chords

We use

Strings

All the

We brings

Typical

Melody

Musical structures and attributes

G-funk

To create our particular rap style.

Where rhythm is life

The beats are particularly important in this style.

And life is rhythm

We’ve made them integral in producing our music.

Nate Dogg:

If you know like I know

If you understand our music like I do

You don't wanna step to this

You know that it is unimpeachable.

It's the G-Funk era

We are at the forefront of a major musical fad.

Funked out with a gangsta twist

It’s like funk music, from the perspective of the mean streets.

And if you smoke like I smoke

Furthermore, if you enjoy marijuana as much as I do

Then you high like everyday

Then you probably have trouble keeping your thoughts together.

And if your ass is a buster

But remember, if you are not a likeable person and venture into our neighborhood

213 will regulate

You will likely be killed.   Sorry.

Movie List: 2012

Happy New Year, folks. It's hard to believe that it's 2013 already. It's time to take a look back at the movies I saw for the first time this past year. (I watched tons of repeat movies, but they don't count for this list.)  Sharp-eyed readers will note the great number of movies that were covered on or recommended by the Bad Movie Fiends Podcast. Great podcast, great "bad" movies.  Note that (T) indicates a movie I saw at the theater.  Here goes.

Movies I Saw for the First Time in 2012

 

1. Bridesmaids

2. Paul

3. No Holds Barred - I loved this Hulk Hogan vs. Tiny Lister classic. Zeuuuuus!

4. Arena - If they made Rocky 5000, it would be Arena. Humans, robots, and space monsters duke it out in the ring on a space station.

5. The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulhu

6. Tucker and Dale Versus Evil - A horror comedy that really gets it right. Seek this out.

7. Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows (T)

8. Transmorphers - The first "mockbuster" from Asylum Films on the list. It won't be the last. This one was boring as hell, FYI.

9. Charade

10. Evolver

11. Horrible Bosses

12. The Expendables - Had me cheering out loud in my tv room watching this by myself. What an amazing action movie. And that shotgun... Wow.

13. Zone Troopers

14. Trancers

15. Red State

16. Attack The Block

17. Battle: Los Angeles

18. Winnie The Pooh

19. Isolation - The best cow-horror movie I've ever seen. Not for the casual horror watcher, but nice and unsettling for us seasoned vets of the genre. Available on Netflix Instant Queue.

20. Unmasking The Idol

21. Order Of The Black Eagle - This one and number 20 are great obscure action comedy James Bond parodies. Seek them out on Netflix IQ before they go away like they never existed.

22. Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl - Bloody Japanese weirdness. It's no Tokyo Gore Police, but it's pretty good.

23. Death Machine

24. Bulletproof - Not that Bruce Willis/Damon Wayans thing. This is Gary Busey at his Gary Busey-est, butt-horn! Awesomely bad.

25. Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2

26. Evil Ed - Read about this foreign horror/comedy in Fangoria when I was on college. Finally got to see it, thanks to the Netflix IQ.

27. J.D.'s Revenge

28. Alien vs. Hunter - Asylum again. One of the worst things I've ever seen. Truly awful.

29. The Iron Giant

30. The Final Countdown

31. Mega Piranha - More Asylum, but lots of cheesy fun this time. 

32. Tammy and the T-Rex - Denise Richards is Tammy. Paul Walker is the T-Rex. Terrible, but fun.

33. Stealth

34. Dragon Wars

35. Invasion U.S.A. - Insert played-out Chuck Norris joke here. Great movie, though.

36. The Wraith

37. Hell Comes To Frogtown

38. Frankenhooker - Sortof a cousin to The Re-Animator. I used to see this VHS box at the rental stores all the time. Glad I could finally see it. Much better than I ever thought it would be.

39. Insidious

40. X-Men: First Class

41. The Shrine - Another gem on the IQ. Scary, atmospheric, and surprisingly good.

42. Slaughter

43. Truck Turner

44. Doc Savage: Man of Bronze

45. The Hunger Games (T)

46. Robot Jox - Woo! Took awhile to find a copy of the DVD.

47. Green Lantern - I liked this more than I should have. A guilty pleasure.

48. Transformers: Dark of the Moon - Another guilty pleasure. Michael Bay got rid of a lot of the horrible nonsense from the awful second movie (like the racist robots, the numerous pee jokes, the focus on Sam's annoying parents, the robot ghosts, etc.) and just made a big, loud action-fest. There, now, Mr. Bay, was that so hard?

49. Puss In Boots

50. Altered - Another little nugget of goodness on NIQ. Some regular Joes capture and autopsy an alien in their garage. Trouble comes when the aliens friends come looking for it.

51. Avengers (T) - Holy cow. My favorite movie of the year. I still can't wipe the smile off of my face when I think about this, the comic book movie many of us have been dreaming about all our lives.

52. Men In Black 3 (T) - Good return to form after the bad second installment. 

53. Religulous

54. Leviathan

55. Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark

56. The Skeptic

57. Drive Angry

58. The Ward

59. Rolling Vengeance - When Ned Beatty's rotten kids kill his family, what is our hero to do? Monster Truck Mayhem, that's what!!

60. Wanted: Dead Or Alive - I don't remember what this was.  It's just on my list.  Wikipedia says it's a Rutger Hauer cop movie featuring Gene Simmons from KISS as the bad guy.  Now I remember.  Pretty good.

61. Mountaintop Motel Massacre

62. Tactical Force - Top of the straight-to-DVD/NIQ heap. Highly recommended straight-up actioner.

63. Creature

64. 2-Headed Shark Attack - The Asylum, but a heck of a lot of fun. The title says it all.

65. The Rescuers Down Under

66. Monster Brawl

67. I Sell The Dead

68. Galaxy of Terror

69. Cabin In The Woods (T) - Such a fantastic meta-horror movie.  Comes very close to knocking off The Avengers as my favorite movie this year.

70. The Amazing Spider-man (T)

71. The Dark Knight Rises (T)

72. The Expendables 2 (T)

73. Severed

74. Gingerdead Man - Gary Busey as a serial killer who is executed and brought back to life as a cookie.  Looking forward to checking out parts 2 and 3, despite Busey not reprising the role of a lifetime.

75. Fast Five

76. Wrong Turn - A very pleasant surprise.  I thought this was going to be one of those torture movies, but it wasn't.  Thanks, Hollywood!

77. Spider Baby

78. Alice In Wonderland - The one with Johnny Depp. 

79. Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes - Way better than expected.  Looking forward to a sequel sometime.

80. House On Haunted Hill - The original with Vincent Price.  Way, way, way better than the remake.

81. Not Quite Hollywood - Great documentary on the Australian movie industry. Watch this on NIQ, then seek out some of the movies featured in the documentary. They do things a bit different in Oz.

82. Blood Feast - 60s gore classic from Herschell Gordon Lewis. Not good, but a historic film.

83. 2000 Maniacs - Another HGL gore-fest.  This one's a little bit better as a movie than Blood Feast.

84. Predators

85. The Raid: Redemption

86. Dead-End Drive-In - An "Oz-sploitation" flick featured in Not Quite Hollywood.  Kinda has a vibe like The Warrirors or something.  Good stuff.  NIQ.

87. The Curse - A very young Wil Wheaton in a good Lovecraft adaptation.  Glad I ran across this on YouTube. 

88. Halloween 6: The Producer's Cut - I saw Halloween 6 at the theater, I recorded it when it played on Starz back in college, and I watched that tape a number of times.  I know Halloween 6 pretty well (and it's just awful.)  This isn't that movie.  The so-called Producer's Cut (available on YouTube) has loads and loads of different footage, changed story-lines, changed ending, and so forth - enough that I consider it a different movie.  It, too, is just awful.

89. 11/11/11 - This Asylum film caught me by surprise - I was trying to watch 11-11-11, a more-or-less "real" horror movie. Alas, I got "mockbustered" by the knock-off.  Something tells me the "real" one wouldn't have been much better anyway, so no big deal.

90. Sugar Hill

91. The Resurrected

92. Mask Maker - Very good direct-to-video slasher.  I want a sequel.  NIQ.

93. Waxwork

94. Exit Humanity

95. Sinister (T)

96. Return To Horror High

97. Piranha - The 2011 remake of the Roger Corman "classic."  This modern Piranha is awesome. Way better than expected.

98. Final Destination 5 - After stumbling with the fourth installment, part five brought this franchise back to life. At least as good as part 3, possibly approaching part 2.

99. The Devil's Backbone

100. Paranormal Activity 4 (T) - Hey 2013, don't let your Paranormal Activity movie get any worse than this one.  This is the lowest level of quality I can accept from one of these things.

101. The Princess Diaries 2

102. Wreck-It Ralph (T) - So good.

103. Hot Rod - The Lonely Island made a movie, and it was really funny (if you like The Lonely Island).

104. Hard Ticket To Hawaii

105. The Fly - The original with Vincent Price. Good stuff.

106. The Deadly Spawn

107. Deadly Prey - Somebody's backyard action movie actually came out like a real movie.

108. Serenity

109. The Last Airbender

110. A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas

111. Bad Boys 2 - What took me so long to see this?  Loved it.  Could have been tightened up by about 20 minutes, but still...

112. D.C. Cab

113. An American Werewolf In London - Disappointing and slow.

114. Cropsey

115. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (T) - I'm a bit dissappointed that this wasn't as mind-blowing as the LotR movies, but otherwise I really enjoyed it. Two to go...

116. Warlock

117. Pray For Death

118. Machete - Wow.  Great south-of-the-border answer to Grindhouse and Canada's Hobo With A Shotgun.

119. Rise Of The Guardians (T)

120. Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

121. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance - Somehow they took out everything that was terrible about the first Ghost Rider movie and the sequel still came out just as bad.  Oh wait.  I guess they didn't take everything terrible out.  (Looking at you, Mr. Cage.)

122. Brave