On Conference Loyalty

I wrote the following brief little diatribe last year and never got around to cleaning it up and posting it anywhere.  It's my gut reaction to the concept of "conference loyalty" that many of my fellow football followers espouse.  It seems appropriate to post it today, so here it is in its first-draft glory. 


"I don't care about so-called "conference loyalty."  I spend all season hating the other 11 teams Georgia has to face.  The last thing I want is for one of them to have the Ultimate Bragging Rights of a national title to, you know, brag about all spring and summer.  Unless the title game is against, like, USC or Notre Dame, I'm going for whoever can shut the likes of LSU, Alabama, Florida, and yes, even Auburn up.  Cheering for an SEC team that isn't yours in the title game tells me you aren't putting enough energy into year-round loyalty to your own team.  Remember what that one guy said - no man can serve two masters.  Unfortunately you can't count on the bums out there in the Big Ten, Big 12, or Pac 10 to come through."


That being said, as an SEC team that isn't Georgia happens to be playing in the Championship Game this time against Notre Dame - a team I delight in rooting against more than pretty much any other team - I have no choice but to say, "Roll Tide."  This time.

Translations for the Hip Hop Impaired, Vol. 1 - Regulate

I have come to realize that some of you aren't as "hip" and "down" as a fella like myself, and hip hop music goes right over your heads.  Well, never fear.  I'm here to help.  I now present the first installment of Translations for the Hip Hop Impaired - a free service I provide to help you become more comfortable with the music that all the kids are listening to.  You're welcome.

Nate Dogg and Warren G: Regulators

"Regulate," by Warren G (feat. Nate Dogg)

Movie clip

Regulators

Go watch Young Guns.

We regulate any stealing of his property

It’s good.

And we damn good too

So is the sequel.

But you cant be any geek off the street,

Probably Emilio Estevez' best work since The Breakfast Club.

Gotta be handy with the steel if you know what I mean, earn your keep!

But enough about that.

Regulators! Mount up!

Let’s begin the tale.

Warren G:

It was a clear black night, a clear white moon

It all started on a very pretty night.

Warren G was on the streets, trying to consume

I had made my way downtown,

Some skirts for the eve, so I can get some funk

Looking for women who might want to have sex.

Just rollin' in my ride, chillin' all alone

As it happens, I was driving without any of my usual entourage.

Nate Dogg:

Just hit the eastside of the L-B-C

That same night I drove over to east Long Beach County,

On a mission trying to find Mr. Warren G.

Hoping I’d run into my friend Warren, who is known to frequent the area.

Seen a car full of girls ain't no need to tweak

I saw several attractive women in a car, but I didn’t get overly excited and run over to them.

All you skirts know whats up with 2-1-3

You see, women everywhere throw themselves at men from my neighborhood.  I can probably pick them up later.

Warren G:

So I hooks a left on the 2-1 and Lewis

So I turned down a street near my destination,

Some brothas shootin' dice so I said "Let's do this"

And what should I find but an impromptu, unsanctioned game of Craps.  I couldn’t resist…

I jumped out the ride, and said "What's up?"

I parked my car and politely asked the gentlemen if I could join their game,

Some brothas pulled some gats so I said "I'm stuck."

But, to my surprise, they aimed pistols at me.  What rotten luck.

Nate Dogg:

Since these girls peepin me I'm'a glide and swerve

I could tell the ladies in the other car were interested, so I decided to put on a bit of a show of my driving skill.

These hookers lookin' so hard they straight hit the curb

Unfortunately, my antics caused them to have a minor accident.

Won't cha think of better things than some horny tricks

Just as I was considering coming to their aid...

I see my homey and some suckers all in his mix

I noticed my friend Warren in a spot of trouble with some local criminals.

Warren G:

I'm gettin' jacked, I'm breakin' myself

I was being robbed and humiliated.

I can't believe they taking Warren's wealth

I never thought the day would come when my hard-earned possessions would be stolen by common thugs.

They took my rings, they took my Rolex

They removed my jewelry and designer watch.

I looked at the brotha said "Damn, what's next?"

I asked the lead robber if there was more he wanted to take from me, fearful of his answer.

Nate Dogg:

They got my homey hemmed up and they all around

Warren was in a tight spot, surrounded by criminals.

Ain't none of them seeing if they going straight pound for pound

It was clear they were not interested in fighting fair.

They wanna come up real quick, before they start to clown

I decided to intervene before they hurt Warren severely.

I best pull out my strap and lay them busters down

I realized the best solution to the problem was to murder them with my concealed pistol.  I thought that should do the trick.

Warren G:

They got guns to my head

As they threatened me with their pistols,

I think I'm going down

I began to contemplate my life and impending demise.

I can't believe this happenin' in my own town

I thought I was safe in the city I grew up in, but alas…

If I had wings I would fly

I might have a chance to escape my fate if I could somehow fly away.

Let me contemplate

Funny what your mind conjures up when you’re in peril.

I glanced in the cut and I see my homey Nate

Suddenly, I caught a glimpse of my friend Nate just behind my attackers.

Nate Dogg:

Sixteen in the clip and one in the hole

My pistol had seventeen bullets loaded and ready for action.

Nate Dogg is about to make some bodies turn cold

I was resolute in my intention to kill these delinquents.

Now they droppin' and yellin'

As I shot at them, they began to fall down and beg for their lives,

It's a tad bit late

But I was having none of that.

Nate Dogg and Warren G had to regulate

Warren and I would accept nothing less than their deaths.

I laid all them busters down

I shot each and every one of the criminals.

I let my gat explode

Each gunshot resonated loudly, reminiscent of a bomb going off.

Now I'm switchin' my mind back into freak mode

When the violence was over, my thoughts returned to the ladies from before.

If you want skirts sit back and observe

I asked Warren if he was interested in finding dates,

I just left a gang of hoes over there on the curb

Explaining that I had seen some potentially willing partners just minutes before, and only a few yards away.

Warren G:

Now Nate got the freaks

Nathan sure has a way with women.

And that's a known fact

He’s a local legend in that regard.

Before I got jacked I was on the same track

I told him that, as a matter of fact, I had intended to find a female companion before I got into the recent predicament.

Back up back up cause its on

And so we approached the ladies in tandem,

N-A-T-E and me - the Warren to the G

Best friends forever.

Nate Dogg:

Just like I thought

As I suspected,

They were in the same spot

The women were where I had seen them last,

In need of some desperate help

Still having car trouble.

The Nate Dogg and the G-Child

Meanwhile, Warren and I

Were in need of somethin' else

Were horny.

One of them dames was sexy as hell

One woman in particular caught my attention.

I said "Oooh I like your size."

I told her I thought her figure was quite attractive.

She said "My car's broke down and you seem real nice,

She asked me, since she couldn’t drive and I was non-threatening to her,

Would ya let me ride?"

if I wouldn’t mind transporting her in my car.

I got a car full of girls and it's goin' real swell 

Wouldn’t you know?  All the women joined us in the car.

The next stop is the Eastside Motel

We happily made our way to a disreputable establishment for some sex.

Warren G:

I'm tweaking

I really enjoy

Into a whole new era 

The way my life has turned out since I became a rapper.

G-Funk

Our particular niche in rap?

Step to this

Well, say what you want,

I dare ya

But I think it is the best.

Funk

Funk was a fantastic form of music,

On a whole new level

And our interpretation improves on that concept.

Nate Dogg:

The rhythm is the bass and the bass is the treble

I have lost my damn mind.

Warren G:

Chords

We use

Strings

All the

We brings

Typical

Melody

Musical structures and attributes

G-funk

To create our particular rap style.

Where rhythm is life

The beats are particularly important in this style.

And life is rhythm

We’ve made them integral in producing our music.

Nate Dogg:

If you know like I know

If you understand our music like I do

You don't wanna step to this

You know that it is unimpeachable.

It's the G-Funk era

We are at the forefront of a major musical fad.

Funked out with a gangsta twist

It’s like funk music, from the perspective of the mean streets.

And if you smoke like I smoke

Furthermore, if you enjoy marijuana as much as I do

Then you high like everyday

Then you probably have trouble keeping your thoughts together.

And if your ass is a buster

But remember, if you are not a likeable person and venture into our neighborhood

213 will regulate

You will likely be killed.   Sorry.

Movie List: 2012

Happy New Year, folks. It's hard to believe that it's 2013 already. It's time to take a look back at the movies I saw for the first time this past year. (I watched tons of repeat movies, but they don't count for this list.)  Sharp-eyed readers will note the great number of movies that were covered on or recommended by the Bad Movie Fiends Podcast. Great podcast, great "bad" movies.  Note that (T) indicates a movie I saw at the theater.  Here goes.

Movies I Saw for the First Time in 2012

 

1. Bridesmaids

2. Paul

3. No Holds Barred - I loved this Hulk Hogan vs. Tiny Lister classic. Zeuuuuus!

4. Arena - If they made Rocky 5000, it would be Arena. Humans, robots, and space monsters duke it out in the ring on a space station.

5. The Last Lovecraft: Relic of Cthulhu

6. Tucker and Dale Versus Evil - A horror comedy that really gets it right. Seek this out.

7. Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows (T)

8. Transmorphers - The first "mockbuster" from Asylum Films on the list. It won't be the last. This one was boring as hell, FYI.

9. Charade

10. Evolver

11. Horrible Bosses

12. The Expendables - Had me cheering out loud in my tv room watching this by myself. What an amazing action movie. And that shotgun... Wow.

13. Zone Troopers

14. Trancers

15. Red State

16. Attack The Block

17. Battle: Los Angeles

18. Winnie The Pooh

19. Isolation - The best cow-horror movie I've ever seen. Not for the casual horror watcher, but nice and unsettling for us seasoned vets of the genre. Available on Netflix Instant Queue.

20. Unmasking The Idol

21. Order Of The Black Eagle - This one and number 20 are great obscure action comedy James Bond parodies. Seek them out on Netflix IQ before they go away like they never existed.

22. Vampire Girl vs. Frankenstein Girl - Bloody Japanese weirdness. It's no Tokyo Gore Police, but it's pretty good.

23. Death Machine

24. Bulletproof - Not that Bruce Willis/Damon Wayans thing. This is Gary Busey at his Gary Busey-est, butt-horn! Awesomely bad.

25. Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2

26. Evil Ed - Read about this foreign horror/comedy in Fangoria when I was on college. Finally got to see it, thanks to the Netflix IQ.

27. J.D.'s Revenge

28. Alien vs. Hunter - Asylum again. One of the worst things I've ever seen. Truly awful.

29. The Iron Giant

30. The Final Countdown

31. Mega Piranha - More Asylum, but lots of cheesy fun this time. 

32. Tammy and the T-Rex - Denise Richards is Tammy. Paul Walker is the T-Rex. Terrible, but fun.

33. Stealth

34. Dragon Wars

35. Invasion U.S.A. - Insert played-out Chuck Norris joke here. Great movie, though.

36. The Wraith

37. Hell Comes To Frogtown

38. Frankenhooker - Sortof a cousin to The Re-Animator. I used to see this VHS box at the rental stores all the time. Glad I could finally see it. Much better than I ever thought it would be.

39. Insidious

40. X-Men: First Class

41. The Shrine - Another gem on the IQ. Scary, atmospheric, and surprisingly good.

42. Slaughter

43. Truck Turner

44. Doc Savage: Man of Bronze

45. The Hunger Games (T)

46. Robot Jox - Woo! Took awhile to find a copy of the DVD.

47. Green Lantern - I liked this more than I should have. A guilty pleasure.

48. Transformers: Dark of the Moon - Another guilty pleasure. Michael Bay got rid of a lot of the horrible nonsense from the awful second movie (like the racist robots, the numerous pee jokes, the focus on Sam's annoying parents, the robot ghosts, etc.) and just made a big, loud action-fest. There, now, Mr. Bay, was that so hard?

49. Puss In Boots

50. Altered - Another little nugget of goodness on NIQ. Some regular Joes capture and autopsy an alien in their garage. Trouble comes when the aliens friends come looking for it.

51. Avengers (T) - Holy cow. My favorite movie of the year. I still can't wipe the smile off of my face when I think about this, the comic book movie many of us have been dreaming about all our lives.

52. Men In Black 3 (T) - Good return to form after the bad second installment. 

53. Religulous

54. Leviathan

55. Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark

56. The Skeptic

57. Drive Angry

58. The Ward

59. Rolling Vengeance - When Ned Beatty's rotten kids kill his family, what is our hero to do? Monster Truck Mayhem, that's what!!

60. Wanted: Dead Or Alive - I don't remember what this was.  It's just on my list.  Wikipedia says it's a Rutger Hauer cop movie featuring Gene Simmons from KISS as the bad guy.  Now I remember.  Pretty good.

61. Mountaintop Motel Massacre

62. Tactical Force - Top of the straight-to-DVD/NIQ heap. Highly recommended straight-up actioner.

63. Creature

64. 2-Headed Shark Attack - The Asylum, but a heck of a lot of fun. The title says it all.

65. The Rescuers Down Under

66. Monster Brawl

67. I Sell The Dead

68. Galaxy of Terror

69. Cabin In The Woods (T) - Such a fantastic meta-horror movie.  Comes very close to knocking off The Avengers as my favorite movie this year.

70. The Amazing Spider-man (T)

71. The Dark Knight Rises (T)

72. The Expendables 2 (T)

73. Severed

74. Gingerdead Man - Gary Busey as a serial killer who is executed and brought back to life as a cookie.  Looking forward to checking out parts 2 and 3, despite Busey not reprising the role of a lifetime.

75. Fast Five

76. Wrong Turn - A very pleasant surprise.  I thought this was going to be one of those torture movies, but it wasn't.  Thanks, Hollywood!

77. Spider Baby

78. Alice In Wonderland - The one with Johnny Depp. 

79. Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes - Way better than expected.  Looking forward to a sequel sometime.

80. House On Haunted Hill - The original with Vincent Price.  Way, way, way better than the remake.

81. Not Quite Hollywood - Great documentary on the Australian movie industry. Watch this on NIQ, then seek out some of the movies featured in the documentary. They do things a bit different in Oz.

82. Blood Feast - 60s gore classic from Herschell Gordon Lewis. Not good, but a historic film.

83. 2000 Maniacs - Another HGL gore-fest.  This one's a little bit better as a movie than Blood Feast.

84. Predators

85. The Raid: Redemption

86. Dead-End Drive-In - An "Oz-sploitation" flick featured in Not Quite Hollywood.  Kinda has a vibe like The Warrirors or something.  Good stuff.  NIQ.

87. The Curse - A very young Wil Wheaton in a good Lovecraft adaptation.  Glad I ran across this on YouTube. 

88. Halloween 6: The Producer's Cut - I saw Halloween 6 at the theater, I recorded it when it played on Starz back in college, and I watched that tape a number of times.  I know Halloween 6 pretty well (and it's just awful.)  This isn't that movie.  The so-called Producer's Cut (available on YouTube) has loads and loads of different footage, changed story-lines, changed ending, and so forth - enough that I consider it a different movie.  It, too, is just awful.

89. 11/11/11 - This Asylum film caught me by surprise - I was trying to watch 11-11-11, a more-or-less "real" horror movie. Alas, I got "mockbustered" by the knock-off.  Something tells me the "real" one wouldn't have been much better anyway, so no big deal.

90. Sugar Hill

91. The Resurrected

92. Mask Maker - Very good direct-to-video slasher.  I want a sequel.  NIQ.

93. Waxwork

94. Exit Humanity

95. Sinister (T)

96. Return To Horror High

97. Piranha - The 2011 remake of the Roger Corman "classic."  This modern Piranha is awesome. Way better than expected.

98. Final Destination 5 - After stumbling with the fourth installment, part five brought this franchise back to life. At least as good as part 3, possibly approaching part 2.

99. The Devil's Backbone

100. Paranormal Activity 4 (T) - Hey 2013, don't let your Paranormal Activity movie get any worse than this one.  This is the lowest level of quality I can accept from one of these things.

101. The Princess Diaries 2

102. Wreck-It Ralph (T) - So good.

103. Hot Rod - The Lonely Island made a movie, and it was really funny (if you like The Lonely Island).

104. Hard Ticket To Hawaii

105. The Fly - The original with Vincent Price. Good stuff.

106. The Deadly Spawn

107. Deadly Prey - Somebody's backyard action movie actually came out like a real movie.

108. Serenity

109. The Last Airbender

110. A Very Harold and Kumar 3D Christmas

111. Bad Boys 2 - What took me so long to see this?  Loved it.  Could have been tightened up by about 20 minutes, but still...

112. D.C. Cab

113. An American Werewolf In London - Disappointing and slow.

114. Cropsey

115. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (T) - I'm a bit dissappointed that this wasn't as mind-blowing as the LotR movies, but otherwise I really enjoyed it. Two to go...

116. Warlock

117. Pray For Death

118. Machete - Wow.  Great south-of-the-border answer to Grindhouse and Canada's Hobo With A Shotgun.

119. Rise Of The Guardians (T)

120. Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

121. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance - Somehow they took out everything that was terrible about the first Ghost Rider movie and the sequel still came out just as bad.  Oh wait.  I guess they didn't take everything terrible out.  (Looking at you, Mr. Cage.)

122. Brave

Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)



Santa Claus: The Movie is a pretty bold title, if you think about it.  The application of "The Movie" after a title implies that what you are witnessing is the one and only definitive cinematic statement on the subject preceeding the colon. Sure, there may be other filmed attempts at the subject, but this is the one.  THE one.  You have to be pretty sure of your mastery of the subject before slapping a "The Movie" on there.  Or you have to be Alexander and Ilya Salkind, the producers of Superman: The Movie and this film.

With a subject like Santa Claus, there is a lot of ground to cover in film.  Who he is, how he came to be who he is, how the annual gift-giving works, how the reindeer fly, etc.  This is where SC:TM really shines.  The first half or more of the movie follows an ordinary 13th century (or so) man named Claus as he and his wife are taken in by the elves and he transforms into the Santa Claus we all know.

There are ancient beardy elves, there's a prophecy, there are muted primary colors, and there are montages a-plenty.  One by one, the Santa F.A.Q. entries are ticked off as we see the backstory come together over the passing centuries.  The origin story presented here is cheery and heart-warming and makes you want to believe that this is the way the "real" Santa Claus came to be.

But then, somewhere past the half-way point, SC:TM comes to realize another aspect inherent in calling yourself "The Movie" - you should probably have a plot. And that's where things go downhill a bit.

It seems that one of the elves - Patch (Dudley Moore) - has a knack for tinkering outside of his normal toy-making duties.  He convinces Santa to let him build some automation into the North Pole manufacturing process.  Things go fine until the toys - lacking the quality control that comes with handcrafted toymaking - fall apart on Christmas day.  For the first time in all the years, Santa's operation receives returns, in the form of broken toys sent up the chimneys from whence they came.

The humiliated Patch quits and strikes out on his own in the "real world," hoping to do something impressive to get back into Santa's good graces.  He tracks down the corrupt and maniacal head of the BZ Toy Company, Mr. B.Z. (John Lithgow), and offers to make something amazing that can given away under the BZ Toys name - lollipops that cause the eater to float in mid-air.

With the success of the Patch Pops, B.Z. insists that Patch up the ante with a stronger batch of the flying candy recipe made into candy canes that BZ Toys can sell in March under the banner of "Christmas 2."  The unscrupulous B.Z. pushes ahead with the candy canes despite evidence that they explode when exposed to heat.  It's up to Santa Claus, an irritating street urchin, and B.Z.'s step-niece (?) to save Patch and put a stop to the nefarious B.Z. before it's too late.

John Lithgow is great as the over-the-top villain when the movie finally gets around to that part of the story, and Dudley Moore makes for an affable elf.  Best of all, David Huddleston (who played the title character in The Big Lebowski) absolutely embodies Santa Claus.  Once you've seen him in the full red suit, no department store Santa will ever measure up. 

Maybe I see it through nostalgia-colored glasses, but I think SC:TM is a pretty good Christmas flick.  It's aimed at children, and its faults are more apparent when seen as an adult, but overall it's charming and fun.

New YouTube series - Let's Do This!

Just dropping a quick note to say I have started a YouTube do-it-yourself series called Let's Do This. See, every now and then I run across something that needs fixing around the house. Usually it's something simple; occasionally it's something complex and scary. Either way, I figure I can video myself giving it a shot and one of two things will happen:  Either I will fix it successfully and have a video that might even be useful to other folks, or I'll fail horribly and the video will be good for a laugh.

So far there is one video out there - Unclog Shower Drain - and I have two other videos in the works, plus another household task or two to get after in the near future.  Here's the first in the series:

If you like, you can subscribe to my YouTube channel - I'm zombear13. On the rare occasion that other videos in the series are uploaded, or I put up other random stuff, you'll be the first to know.

Let's do this!

Final Destination 5 (2011)

Nice poster

If you've seen any of the Final Destination movies, you know the deal from the get-go. A character has a premonition of a spectacular disaster and, along with a handful of tag-alongs, escapes death by fleeing the scene before it goes down. From then on, these survivors who "cheated death," find themselves being  offed in fantastically splatteriffic ways - apparently by Death himself - in the order in which they would have died in the plane crash, highway pileup, roller coaster collapse, or what-have-you. It's a grim premise, but the Rube Goldberg-esque machinations of the characters' demises make the movies more about cheering on the increasingly implausible kills than they are about the existential morbidity of the idea that Death is always stalking us and can take us at any time.

In Final Destination 5, a group of office workers (from a paper company!) are saved from death when one of them has a vision of a bridge collapse and gets some of the workers off of their corporate retreat bus before the collapse happens. From there, we see these survivors face deaths involving gymnastics, acupuncture, LASIK eye surgery, industrial machinery, and a restaurant kitchen full of knives, deep fryers, gas burners, and other frightening implements. This installment adds in the concept that maybe if a survivor kills another person, that death will balance Death's books and He'll leave the survivor alone. That's it. That's all you need to know.

Did I mention that the coroner in these movies is played by The Candyman?

Watching it on the big HD tv at home makes me wish I had seen the movie in 3D at the theaters. The opening credits looked like a grizzly James Bond credit sequence with flying body parts and sharp everyday objects replacing the bouncing bimbos and bullets of the 007 movies. That would have been worth the extra three bucks right there.

The rest of the movie was equally "in-your-face" with gruesome objects flying right off the screen, but unlike the 3D-ified fourth installment, there was actually tension to go along with the gore. Every loose screw, every pointy object, every mechanical device the characters encounter was given an ominous, menacing quality and kept you guessing at what grizzly fate awaited the next victim.

I was frankly amazed that in the fifth movie of the franchise they were able to recapture the slow-burning suspense that had drifted away from the films as the series progressed. That tension, combined with satisfying payoffs for most of the character's deaths, makes for a real return to form after the missteps that almost killed the series in part 4. Maybe the producers saw Part 4 as a premonition and were able to save the series from box office death by making number 5 a lot better. Of course, this means they'll really have to be on their toes when they make the inevitable sixth installment. Or else.

Return to Horror High (1987)

Return to Horror High is one I've been looking at on video store shelves since way back when we used to rent VHS movies from Turtles Records and Tapes. Its cover was certainly eye-catching, with that skeletal cheerleader and goofy little "cheer" tag-line. Naturally, back when I was a kid, there's no way I could have rented such a thing. And now, thanks to Netflix Instant Queue, I don't have to.


Horror High's Jr. Varsity basketball team always appreciated the pep squad's enthusiasm.

The first thing anybody will tell you about Return to Horror High is that it's George Clooney's first movie.  Well, it is, but it's not much of one.  He plays Oliver, a small-time horror film actor that leaves the movie he's shooting when he gets a leading role in a television drama that's sure to be a hit. Clooney himself, of course, left behind horror movies like this, Grizzly 2, and Return Of The Killer Tomatoes to find great success on television.  This amusing bit of art imitating life (albeit before the fact) resonates better with today's audience than it would have with 1987's audiences. Of course, Oliver manages to get murdered on the way off of the set while George went on to star in the worst Batman movie ever committed to film.  It's hard to say who really came off the better.

"You say it's about doctors and I'd be perfect for the part? I dunno... "

You see, five years ago a massacre took place at Crippen High (home of the Trolls, apparently) and the killer was never found. Now a low-rent production company is making a slasher-style movie of the incident using the actual abandoned school as the primary location.  And wouldn't you know it?  The killing starts up again. 

The reason Return to Horror High has such a cliched and oh-so-typical plot is that it's a comedy - a satire of the legit slasher copycat movies of the day and their equally thin premises.  The interplay between the writer and director of the film-within-the-film and the sleazy producer (played by the guy who was Moe Greene in The Godfather) tells the story best, as the former pair are striving for subtlety and an honest portrayal of the true events, and the producer just wants "tits and blood."

Even with the satirical nature of the movie, RtHH holds up its end of the bargain as a horror whodunit pretty well. The movie does a good job of setting up red herrings and of blurring the line of reality that separates flashbacks of the original killings and scenes being shot for the movie-within-the-movie. It keeps you on your toes and guessing.  And when someone is offed, you get all the blood (lots of blood) and gore you would want out of a real horror film.

The comedic elements work, too, for the most part.  It's especially entertaining to see Maureen "Marcia Brady" McCormmick as a cop stepping around and over the body-bagged remnants (parts, really) of numerous victims as she and the detective on the case try to piece together what happened. It's hard to describe, but the movie's pretty danged funny.  It's like a gory Airplane!, or at least Top Secret! or something.

Marcia's all grown up and busting the bad guys in the new TV movie, "A Very Brady Homicide."

Return to Horror High is an overlooked gem from the heyday of slasher horror.  It has a handful of familiar faces, good special effects (including a funny exploding prosthetic that the producer character was dying to see put into the movie), some funny moments, a half-decent mystery, and a bit of knowing commentary on the horror genre that was ahead of its time. And it all comes together in an ending that is equal parts horrific and zany.  Kinda like Clooney's Batman movie.