Zombi 3 (1988)

Zombi 3 is an Italian pseudo-sequel to an Italian unofficial pseudo-sequel to George Romero's classic Dawn Of The Dead. See, Dawn Of The Dead was very popular in Italy where it was released as Zombi. In the grand European tradition of ripping off good Ameican movies, Italian director Lucio Fulci Immediately put out his unauthorized sequel, which is known in the U.S. as Zombie, but in Italy as Zombi 2. Then he followed that up with today's feature, which doesn't really have anything to do with the films preceding it. Oh, and just to add to the fun, Lucio Fulci's original cut of the movie was way too short. So Bruno Mattei, who was on a break from shooting Strike Commando 2 (with the guy who would later go on to be the first Dumbledore!), shot additional scenes that added up to about 40% of Zombi 3's length.

You with me so far?

Fortunately for those of us who like consistency, the movie itself is every bit as convoluted as the story of its creation. Zombi 3 follows the theft of a military-created bacteriological agent with the cheery name of Death 1 and its subsequent contamination of the populace. In one of many ripoff moments (this time of the fantastic Return Of The Living Dead), the military types kill the contaminated guy who stole the agent and cremate the body, causing the smoke to spread the contaminant. However, this time it's not due to seeded clouds and a rainstorm, but by interacting with a flock of passing birds. Yep, that's right - we've got zombie birds in this one.

Soon the birds have infected a handful of idiot humans who are our protagonists (such as they are). The usual zombie nonsense ensues, with flesh munching, army dudes shooting everyone, and our heroes heroically running from the slow-moving zombie hordes. But that makes this sound like a normal zombie movie, which it is not. It's not nearly as good as a normal zombie movie.

The best way to illustrate the shortcomings of this movie is probably for me to share the list of questions that came to mind as I watched it. Here goes:

• Some scientists working for the military, some military dudes out on a pass, some lamely slutty girls, some random vacationers at a cheap-looking "resort" hotel...  Who are these people?  Our protagonists? Oh no!
• Where are we? It's all jungle-y outside (it was shot in the Phillipines).  Oh, they mentioned safe-houses in Santa Monica and Santa Cruz on the local radio broadcast.  So this is In Los Angeles or something?  Wait, now they mentioned San Antonio. Huh?  A scientist just asked, "what if another epidemic breaks out? In Europe? In the United States?"  Where are we??
• Why did that zombie just shove that one girl out of a window into the hot springs? 
• How did the girl's legs get torn off in the hot springs?  Is there a shark in there (which would recall the great zombie vs. shark fight from Zombi 2)? 
• Why are the zombies hiding in the bushes, waiting to leap out at the military guy? Why can the zombies leap through the air but not walk faster than somebody's 90-year-old grandmother?
• How did the zombie head in the fridge leap out to bite that guy?  Flex its neck muscles real quick?
• Why do the zombies wait patiently outside, watching while the humans barricade themselves in at the hotel?  
• Why did the birds stop being a factor after the first twenty minutes of the movie?  
• Why did the scientists disappear from the movie for a good 40 minute stretch?  
• Why can the Decontamination Squad not shoot four people standing basically side-by-side?  
• Why does the movie go on for another 25 minutes after what seemed for all the world to be the final gut-munching zombie attack?  
• Why did the heavily armed Decontamination Squad make the military duress drop their weapons and then attack them hand-to-hand, especially since the plan was for the D Squad to kill everybody they encountered?
• What was in that small barn that caused a small hand grenade to blow it up like the Death Star?  
• Why are there zombies hiding in the grass like snipers?  
• How did that one guy get way out into open pastureland when a second ago he was twenty yards from the building?

This could actually be a pretty good zombie movie if you were to rewrite the script, hire new actors, put a new director in charge, reshoot the whole thing with better lighting and sets and without the apparent smear of Vasoline on the camera lens throughout.  Maybe revamp the makeup effects and improve the soundtrack, too.  These and just a few more changes would make a remake of Zombi 3 into a pretty decent zombie flick.  As it is, this one should probably only be seen by zombie completists and/or masochists. All others should avoid it like a plague of zombie birds.