Hatchet (2006)

Back in the heyday of the slasher film, critics, parents, and pundits of all variety decried the ultra-violence and gore of the Friday the 13ths, Halloweens, and the countless knock-offs they spawned. In hindsight, the kills in many of these classic 80s slashers look tame and quaint to modern eyes. You are tempted to wonder what all the fuss was about.

And then you look at Adam Green's Hatchet. Hatchet is an homage - a loving throwback to the old school slasher flick, but with the gore and creativity in each kill ramped up by a factor of three. Five, in the unrated edition. Really, this is the kind of movie the anti-horror movie crusaders thought they were seeing back in the day. This is the movie your mom was warning you about.

Hatchet takes place in the swampland of Louisiana, where local legend Victor Crowley is said to live. The story goes that some kids set fire to the Crowley's shack in the swamp with poor deformed Victor trapped inside. Victor's father tried to axe his way into the house to save Victor and accidentally killed him in the process. And so Victor's very corporeal ghost (?) haunts the swamp as a hulking monster of a man (complete with giant hatchet gash in the face), constantly reliving the night of his death and slaughtering anyone who crosses his path.

Our victi... er... protagonists are a semi-diverse bunch of tourists on an unauthorized nighttime swamp cruise whose boat has run aground. They provide Victor with plenty of canvases on which to perform his gruesome art. You get all manner of dismemberments, many by the sheer force of Victor's supernatural strength, but occasionally using tools like a hatchet (naturally), a shovel (both ends), and a gas-powered belt sander. (Is that even a thing?) Each kill is jaw-dropping (sometimes literally) and creative. It's a tour de force of violence.

What separates the gore and violence in Hatchet from the gore in a "torture porn" movie? In a word, tone. Movies like Hostel and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning give you the gore in lingering torture shots and with an atmosphere designed to make the audience uncomfortable. Hatchet, on the other hand, goes for fast-paced thrills and just the right amount of unreality to make you laugh along with the gore instead of cringing away from it. Like the 80s movies it emulates, Hatchet wants you to cheer for the killer and look forward to whatever method of mayhem he has in store for the next victim. It's basically a comedy.

Bottom line, Hatchet rocks. You get the laughs, you get the thrills, you even get appearances by horror legends Kane Hodder, Robert Englund, and Tony Todd. Sometimes you need a little "old school American horror," and Hatchet delivers in spades. And hatchets... And gas-powered belt sanders...