Andrea (Virginia Madsen) is one of the first handful of girls ever admitted to the prestigious Ettinger Academy (school motto: "Carpe Diem - Seize The Day" - two years before Dead Poets Society). Naturally, as the girls meet Ettinger's high academic standards, they are only interested in hooking up with the boys.
Andrea starts an affair with her creepy biology teacher (I think - it's hard to tell the mullets apart in this movie). When her friend Mary Beth and school punk bad-boy Felton begin to dress and act like the other preppies that run the school, Andrea begins to realize something is amiss.
Through some completely out-of-nowhere investigation in the school's infirmary, Andrea discovers that the biology teacher and the Dean are brainwashing troublemakers into model students by removing parts of their brains and replacing them with crystals. It's all very Disturbing Behavior, but with New Age magic instead of chip-based behavior modifications.
In the end, the brainwashed "zombies" are defeated when our heroes play a TOTAL rip-off of the Beastie Boys' "You've Gotta Fight For Your Right To Party" called "Kiss My Butt" over the school's speaker system, disrupting their brain crystals. Seriously, it's blatant. I could not be more offended.
And, to nobody's surprise, the standard "any similarity to actual persons living or dead" disclaimer at the end also includes the "undead." Har dee har har. I've seen this in other movies, but you know what? Those movies involve, you know, the undead. Screw you, movie.
Every scene in Zombie High just leaps to a start with characters yap yap yapping away. There is no connection from scene to scene, and no sensible transitions. You could get whiplash from some of these edits.
Nothing goes better with shoddy editing than constant terrible 80s music. Apparently they couldn't afford to license real songs, so the same three clowns wrote and performed all of the original songs on the soundtrack, including the aforementioned "Kiss My Butt."
And when it's not horrible pop, it's noodly little organ music that sounds like somebody dropped a cat on the keyboard. Oh, and then there was the time where the soundtrack was just a snare drum hit played at random intervals with no discernible rhythm. Yikes.
With a title like Zombie High, I expected a brisk, breezy high school flick with some mild zombie action and maybe some zany, Porky's-style comedy. Unfortunately, this supposed "horror-comedy" makes no sense, is painful on the eyes and ears, has no horror and no comedy, and is flat-out DUUULLLL. Stay far, far away from this one.
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